Thursday, August 15, 2013

Jew Behind Lox

“Keep your friends close, but keep their money closer.” Killer Klugman

We’ve all known our share of con men. I think I’ve known more than my share.
The Killer Klugman Letters: Jew Behind Lox is a funny and sometimes thrilling story about Isadore “Killer” Klugman, a fellow Jew and acquaintance who, for most of his adult life, was an honest businessman who wholesaled women’s apparel to stores. He had a wife, a daughter, and a mortgage in a nice suburban area, but took a wrong turn along the way and wound up in jail after unsuccessfully paying to have a drug dealer killed. This book was inspired by a series of letters Killer sent to me and others from jail. Most of the letters were a desperate plea for money and sent to my chiropractic office in Arlington Heights, Illinois, a city twenty miles northwest of Chicago.
Even from prison, Killer tried to pull off the most outrageous scams by enlisting his equally corrupt Jewish lawyer, Gordy Goldstein, to get me involved in their car accident and credit card schemes. With my guard up and my wits challenged, I made it my duty to provoke Killer with my smart-ass replies to his letters while at the same time protecting myself from his wrath and the wrath of his lawyer, who was equally fun to irritate. To borrow a line from The Godfather “I kept my honor.” But it wasn’t easy, especially with the FBI breathing down my neck and Killer’s hit man in hot pursuit.
Oh, I’m sorry—you don’t know me. I’m Dr. Willie Kissertits, D.C., a Howdy Doody lookalike with red hair (now almost gray). I’ve been practicing chiropractic since 1981 and have written several books on animal chiropractic. In fact, I’ve trained many of the horse chiropractors in the United States. If you ever visit my office, please don’t be alarmed by the “No Hunting” sign and The Three Stooges pictures in my waiting room.
I hope you enjoy this little book. While it is based on true to life people, I made some embellishments and changed the names to protect the innocent and myself.

All the best,

Willie Kissertits

15 Aug 2013 13:45 Africa/Lagos

Author Offers No Apologies for Humorous New Book, "Jew Behind Lox"

BUFFALO GROVE, Ill., Aug. 15, 2013 /PRNewswire/ -- There is nothing politically correct about Dr. Willie Kissertits or his new Kindle book, Jew Behind Lox (Three Boys Press). Then again, Dr. Kissertits, 57, who is Jewish himself but rarely goes to temple, bemoaning, "there's a cover and a minimum," isn't running for public office. "I can write anything I want," Dr. Kissertits said. "I'm a self-employed animal chiropractor, not a Fox News talking head. I don't have to kiss anyone's brass to keep my job."

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Some critical of the book's promotional quote, "Keep your friends close, but keep their money closer," say this self-serving misconception may offend the author's fellow Jews. "Really?" said Kissertits. "Wait until I start merchandising the book cover. Oy vey!"

A conservative New York rabbi, who wishes to remain anonymous, tweeted this about the book: "Funny but distasteful," citing the author's use of Jewish stereotypes, especially Jews' love for money, and the main character's casual use of the term "shvartze" when referring to black people.

The humor book is not about a choirboy. Nor is it about the man who popularized the long smelly strips of smoked salmon. It's about Isadore "Killer" Klugman, a sleazy, unscrupulous shyster who was one of Dr. Kissertits' former patients before Dr. Kissertits switched to animals. The book, which was inspired from a series of letters Killer sent to Dr. Kissertits' Chicago chiropractic office from prison, begins shortly after Killer's incarceration in the spring of 1991 for attempting to kill a drug dealer. Most of the letters were a desperate plea for money which Killer needed for legal expenses to pay his equally sleazy Jewish lawyer, Gordy Goldstein.

It was Kissertits' pleasure to bait Killer with the promise of money only to pull the rug out from under him. "I'm saving up for my son's Bar Mitzvah. Which do you think is more important, my son's Bar Mitzvah or springing you from the slammer?"

Kissertits' smart-aleck replies only served to infuriate Killer, which of course, was Kissertits' intent. Killer retaliated by sicking his hitman "The Shank" on Kissertits, nearly killing the animal cracker. "I was my own worst enemy," said Kissertits, who admits he got a sadistic pleasure irritating Killer and his lawyer. "They were so much fun to agitate. Like when I tricked Goldstein to say 'Twoja Pochwa' to a Polish hospital nun, thinking he would gain access to a new injury client whose fictitious Polish name translates 'Your vagina is expecting me.' That prank got Goldstein arrested. I laughed until I puked."

Aside from writing about cons, Dr. Kissertits (under the pseudonym of Dr. Daniel Kamen), has also written three bestselling books on animal chiropractic technique, among them The Well Adjusted Dog. "Animals are much more honest than people," said Dr. Kissertits, who used to treat accident cases. "The primary cause of bodily injury in dogs is jumping on couches. While the primary cause of bodily injury in people is auto insurance."

Daniel Kamen
Twitter @JewBehindLox
Jew Behind Lox is available on

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